To Restore a Clan to its Former Glory
by LoLoGreeneVines
Summary: Convinced that Ichigo and Rukia are to be imminently engaged, Byakuya enlists Renji's help to quickly propel Ichigo's family, the Shibas, back to their old status as one of the Soul Society's five noble families. Naturally, much embarrassment, hilarity and misunderstanding ensues.
1. The Plan

**Author's notes: Firstly, I would like to warn that this isn't exactly an IchiRuki fic, it's being written purely for lulz. :)**

**I've wanted to write something like this ever since I was re-reading the manga and I spotted Soi-Fon mentioning the Shiba family to Yoruichi during the SS arc and VERY strongly implying that they were one of the noble families and that something happened to strip them of that status. The cogs whirred and this plot bunny is what came of it. (Heh, plot _bunny_. Rukia would be proud.)**

**ONWARD! :D**

* * *

Byakuya was troubled.

He had been doing a lot of thinking recently about the future of the Kuchiki clan. After all, he and his sister, Rukia, were the only remaining members of the main family and he hadn't had any contact with the branch family since his father's sister married into the Kasumioji family a couple of decades ago. Byakuya thought it was entirely possible she had cut off her ties with the family for forcing her into an arranged marriage, as the Kuchikis had traditionally looked down upon marrying below one's place. This was where Byakuya had gone wrong.

Of course, Byakuya himself did not feel this way - he himself had married a commoner, embarrassing his family by choosing a wife with no social standing for the sole reason that he had loved her, and indeed, Hisana had made Byakuya completely happy by being a wonderful person and a perfect wife in his eyes.

And therein was the problem: when Hisana had died only a few years after they had married, Byakuya was devastated. Not only had he lost his beloved companion, but his only chance at ever having children, as he knew that he would never have been able to find another Hisana.

Until he did.

However, the 'new Hisana' wasn't in the form of a potential wife for him, after all, he had no plans to get married ever again. It was her younger sister, Rukia.

And so, Byakuya had happily accepted his sister-in-law into the Kuchiki family, in the hopes that she would one day find a husband (preferably a noble - as much as Byakuya believed in marrying for love, he didn't want his new sister to make any mistakes which might cause her to be ostracised and unhappy) and carry on the Kuchiki line. But only if it would make her happy, of course.

So it was a bit of a shock when he heard that his sister had befriended the arrogant and loutish ryoka, Ichigo Kurosaki.

"Renji," Byakuya called out authoritatively, tearing his eyes away from the picture of Hisana on his desk. A few seconds later the door opened and Byakuya's vice-captain entered, his arms covered in ink splatter all the way up to his elbows.

"Yes, Captain? If you have more paperwork for me to do, it might take me a while to finish what I already have."

Byakuya narrowed his eyes slightly. "This isn't about paperwork, Renji, but if you'd like to talk about paperwork I have some advice for you. Either spend some of your pay on lessons to improve your extremely messy handwriting, or learn that intentionally splattering yourself with ink does not make you look as though you have been busier than you actually have."

Renji laughed nervously, stopping when he saw that his Captain was not laughing. "Okay then, Captain, what did you want to talk about? Also, will it take long? It's just that I've left the ink out and it's gonna start drying up soon..."

"Don't worry about it, I'll just take it out of your pay if you waste the ink," Byakuya said coolly, faintly amused by the shudder Renji gave. "The matter I wished to discuss with you is Rukia."

Byakuya failed to notice a slight stiffening of his Lieutenant's limbs at that. "What about Rukia?" Renji asked, his eyes widening ever so slightly.

"Specifically, her relationship with Ichigo Kurosaki," Byakuya said, as Renji shrunk almost imperceptibly.

"Oh, that," Renji said. "Yes, they're good friends. What about it?"

Byakuya glanced at Hisana's picture again. "He's obviously going to request her hand in marriage soon."

"_What_?" Renji spluttered. "Where did you get _that_ from?"

Byakuya's eyes narrowed again. "If I didn't know any better I'd accuse you of impertinence for that tone," he said in a dangerous voice, pointedly ignoring Renji's hurried apologies. "And if you _must_ know, which you must for reasons I shall tell you imminently, I know this is the case because they evidently love each other. After all, Ichigo is the image of the delinquent Kaien Shiba in every way." Oh yes, Byakuya knew all about Rukia's feelings for her former Lieutenant. Byakuya knew everything there was to know about _everything_.

"I don't mean to be impertinent, _Captain_, but what does Shiba have to do with anything?" Renji enquired, suspicion etched across his face.

"A better question would be 'what _doesn't_ Shiba have to do with this?'" Byakuya responded. "The Shibas are the key to my entire plan! After all, they're a particularly important family, formerly one of the five noble families of the Soul Society before they collectively descended into delinquency and hooliganism and allowed a scandal to topple their standing. Also," Byakuya added, almost as an afterthought, "they're Ichigo's family."

Byakuya just watched Renji calmly as the Vice-Captain's mouth fell open. He did enjoy it when the idiot wasn't speaking, either because he was incapacitated or simply speechless.

"Yes," Byakuya continued, "I have done my research and concluded that Ichigo Kurosaki is the son of one Isshin Shiba, the ex-Soul Reaper Captain responsible for his family's falling from grace. It's appropriate that he took his wife's surname upon their nuptials as both a disguise, and a reminder." Byakuya was secretly glad that Renji wasn't pressing him on that last phrase, he didn't want to have to admit that he sympathised entirely with Isshin for being universally detested for falling in love with an enemy of the Soul Society. He would probably have to set Senbonzakura on his Vice-Captain if he knew.

Renji seemed to find his voice at that moment. "I don't understand, Captain Kuchiki. Why are you telling me all of this? It's not my business and I don't really care, to be honest."

Byakuya frowned. "I'm telling you, Renji, because you are going to help me."

"Eh? What do you need help with?" Renji asked sceptically.

Byakuya sighed wearily. "I don't know why I keep you on, you certainly don't seem to have the brains of a Lieutenant," he said coldly. "I am enlisting your help in an attempt to restore the Shiba clan to their former glory, so that my sister can be happy marrying the man she loves without the fear of being ostracised for marrying an undesirable. Of course, he would take her name either way, but it's better for the both of them if Ichigo comes from legitimate nobility."

Renji , who had been silent throughout this mini-soliloquy, immediately burst into laughter.

"I am being entirely serious, Renji," Byakuya warned in icy tones. "You are going to help me or lose your seat."

Renji's laughter quickly subsided, but the grin didn't leave his face. "Whatever you say, Captain. What's this brilliant scheme of yours going to involve, again?"

Byakuya sat up straight. "I am primarily going to endeavour to restore the Shiba clan by ensuring their social standing. While they may not be particularly rich any more, Rukia's future family stands to inherit everything as I do not have an heir and I can provide for them in the meantime. They will not be short of monetary capital. The problem here is more to do with the fact that the family is full of delinquents, pyromaniacs and louts. Every last one of them is an uncouth yob, even the deceased one and especially the girl. I shall take it upon myself to personally teach Kuukaku and Ganju how to behave in a dignified manner, in addition to meeting up with Isshin to discuss matters and attempt to rectify some of his infamously alarming habits. Also, I intend to personally prepare Ichigo for life as a noble in the least invasive way possible."

Renji grinned. "Sounds like you don't need me, then. Have fun, Captain!" he said cheerfully, turning around and starting to head for the door before Byakuya flash-stepped ahead of him and slammed the door just before Renji reached it.

"Where do you think _you're_ going, Lieutenant Abarai?" Byakuya hissed. "I need you to subtly spread stories of the Shibas doing socially-acceptable things, and to plant the news that I am meeting up with them to do business. I also need you to stay out of trouble," he said frostily, glaring at the ink-splattered Renji, who nodded in a placating manner.

"Yeah, okay, I'll help," he conceded, as Byakuya stepped aside and held the door open.

"Very well then, Lieutenant, you're free to go for now," Byakuya said, opening the door and pointedly holding it open. Renji strolled through, turning around when he was just out of the door.

"One last thing, Captain Kuchiki," Renji said. "You think that Rukia loves Ichigo because he reminds her of Kaien. Fair enough, that's probably a semi-reasonable assumption to make. What makes you so sure he has feelings for her, though?"

Byakuya simply stared at Renji. "Rukia is intelligent, strong and beautiful. After all, she _is_ my sister."

This time, it was Renji's turn to stare. "Captain Kuchiki, she's your sister-_in-law_."

Byakuya responded by staring back with even more venom than before. "What have I told you about not speaking unless you actually have a point to make?" And with that, Byakuya Kuchiki shut the door in Renji's face and returned to his own paperwork.


	2. The Family Business

"Lieutenant Abarai, is your paperwork completed?" Byakuya demanded, letting himself in to his subordinate's office without knocking.

Renji jumped, hurriedly shoving several stacks of paper under his desk and knocking over his ink bottle in the process. "Almost, Captain," he lied, stemming the black liquid seeping across his desk with the sleeve of his uniform and dearly hoping it would stop before it reached the edge.

"No, you haven't," Byakuya observed, fighting back the temptation to unleash his shikai as the ink began to drip off the table onto the mounds of unstarted reports by Renji's foot. "Well, never mind, I'll finish it myself later and you can do _all_ of tomorrow's paperwork to make up for it." Renji groaned audibly as Byakuya continued. "Instead, tonight you're accompanying me to the Shibas' domicile and then you're going for a drink with your, ahem, friends."

Renji blinked. "You're serious? My job is to get drunk? And to socialise?" Byakuya responded by nodding, and Renji frowned. "What's the catch, Captain?"

Byakuya frowned. "There is no catch. You are only required to spread the news of what you are to witness this afternoon."

"And what _am_ I going to witness this afternoon?" Renji asked.

"A business deal," Byakuya replied. "You see, the first step to, ah, befriending the Targets is to establish some sort of acquaintance. In this case, I am going to place a large order with the Shibas' family company. This has the added advantage of increasing the family's capital by a small amount."

Renji grinned. "Yeah, yeah, that's smart, Captain. Um, what exactly _is_ the Shiba family business?"

Byakuya winced slightly. "Fireworks."

"Fireworks?"

"Fireworks. And a rocket."

"A rocket?"

"A rocket, Renji, and don't make me repeat myself again," Byakuya scowled.

"Okay..." Renji said slowly. "But Captain Kuchiki, what use could you possibly have for a load of fireworks and a rocket?"

Byakuya shrugged almost imperceptibly. "I don't. More to the point, it doesn't matter, as the purpose of this exercise is simply to establish the beginnings of a business relationship with the Shibas, and to have said relationship between the Kuchikis and Shibas recognised by others in the Soul Society, as associating with us will raise their social standing.

That's where you come in, Renji," Byakuya continued. "You're to go out on the town with some seated officers from other squads and spread the news that I have made a deal with the Shibas. It's an easy job, even you would find it hard to screw up," Byakuya finished, his voice so icy Renji could have sworn the temperature of the room had dropped by a couple of degrees.

"So I meet up with some friends and tell them about your association with the Shibas. Yes, I can definitely do that," Renji said, giving up on trying to contain the ink and standing up enthusiastically. "So, when are we going to see the Shibas?"

Byakuya frowned lightly. "I have received intelligence..."

"Who from?"

"Don't interrupt me, Renji. I overheard the crazy cat-woman talking about how Kuukaku Shiba tends to be home in the afternoons. She also mentioned the Shibas' address, it was almost as if she wanted me to drop by..."

"So we're going now?"

"We're going now, and if you make me repeat myself again you'll be receiving a demotion when your review comes up."

* * *

"Honestly, Captain Kuchiki, I'm not entirely clear on why you're going to such lengths to set up Ichigo's family in the first place," Renji pondered as the pair made their way out into the world, Seireitei far behind them. "After all, you're trying to match Rukia with somebody you don't even like. What's the reasoning behind that?"

Byakuya sighed wearily. "It is true that I do not like Ichigo Kurosaki. However, my sources tell me that Rukia _does_, and it is my wish to put her wishes before my own wishes in matters of her own heart. I wouldn't expect you to understand," he finished.

Renji furrowed his brow. "That's just as well, because I _didn't_ understand a word of what you just said," he muttered.

Byakuya suddenly ground to a halt, pointing towards a large tower over the horizon. "Ah, that must be the Shibas' current residence," he said, breaking into a rapid flash-step which Renji clearly hadn't a hope of keeping up with.

Sure enough, when Renji finally reached the building, a good five seconds behind Byakuya, he ground to a halt and stared up at the frankly rather bizarre building. It looked like no house either Byakuya or Renji had ever seen, almost like a giant sakura tree with a gigantic trunk, a small wooden ladder leading from the ground to the front door, which appeared to be a circular hole in the massive trunk. A large, blank sign hung from the top branches of the tree, and a couple of dozen feet behind the tree was a colossal chimney-type structure, seemingly sprouting straight from the ground.

Byakuya gave an appreciative nod, climbing the rickety ladder and peering down the trunk into the gloomy depths. Renji followed close behind his Captain.

"Excuse me!" Byakuya called down the hollow trunk in a grand, regal voice. "This is Captain Byakuya Kuchiki of the Thirteen Court Guard's Squad Six. I wish to meet with Kuukaku and Ganju Shiba with a business proposal."

However, before he heard a reply, Renji gave an enormous sneeze underneath him and Byakuya jumped in surprise, sending himself toppling headfirst down the shaft.

Renji heard his Captain's distinctly undignified shrieks getting fainter and fainter as he fell. "Whoops," he said to himself, climbing the remaining steps and jumping down after his superior.

Unaware that his Lieutenant was falling behind him, Byakuya eventually ran out of breath and his shrieks petered off. Reining in his initial panic, Byakuya regained his composure, withdrew his Zanpakuto and muttered "scatter, Senbonzakura." The sword immediately broke into a thousand tiny blades, each of them lying flat and forming a platform underneath Byakuya, moving slightly more slowly than him. Eventually Byakuya caught up and landed gently on the falling platform, which proceeded to slow down until it ground to a halt, hovering above the ground at the bottom of the tunnel.

However, before Byakuya could disembark, Renji came hurtling down out of the sky. Responding quickly to the panicked yells, Byakuya waved his arm and the platform split into tiny blades, which went flying off to his sides. Byakuya reluctantly faceplanted on the ground and braced himself as Renji landed on top of him, screeching.

"Get off me, Renji," Byakuya said quietly, standing up after his Lieutenant had moved. Byakuya turned around to the sight of a small pile of bright red hair on the floor a couple of feet away, and Renji sporting a much shorter ponytail. "You look like Rika Nonaka," Byakuya added calmly, recalling one of the characters in an anime series of Rukia's and nodding towards Renji's head.

"I... wha?" Renji uttered articulately, bringing his hand up to his head and giving a yelp once he realised a large amount of his hair was missing.

"I see you let yourself in, Byakuya Kuchiki," said a woman's voice from the shadows, as Byakuya finally looked around and saw that he and Renji had landed in some sort of underground tunnel. Suddenly, the woman appeared from behind a rock, causing Renji to jump backwards in fright. _Ah, yes,_ Byakuya thought. _With that face, there is no way this woman is not related to Ichigo Kurosaki._

"Miss Shiba," Byakuya inclined his head. "I sincerely apologise for our intrusion. My Lieutenant over here," he gestured towards the hapless Renji, "is responsible." Renji hung his head.

"Ah, from what I heard you've always been an impetuous brat, Byakuya," Kuukaku said humourously. "I would expect nothing less from you."

Byakuya seethed internally at this woman's familiarity. "Miss Shiba..."

Kuukaku waved her stump of a right arm impatiently. "Ugh, I hate formality. Call me Kuukaku, or I'll have to send you home in a rocket." Her eyes lit up at the prospect.

"That won't be necessary, ah, Kuukaku," Byakuya said hurriedly. "As a matter of fact, I am here to discuss a rocket with you."

Kuukaku grinned. "You want one of my rockets?"

"And a selection of your finest fireworks, if you please," Byakuya said coolly. Renji examined the wall.

Kuukaku's grin widened further and she slapped Byakuya on the back, as he winced. "Good for you, kid, it looks like you grew up to actually be fun after all. I can't say I was expecting that, your family being what it is." Byakuya grimaced. "This way!" the woman announced.

Kuukaku suddenly walked up to the rock she had hidden behind, flipped it open and hit a concealed button, causing the floor to give way to turn into a giant slide. Byakuya found himself landing on his face once again as the three built up speed, hurtling deeper and deeper underground.

After what felt like several years the tunnel widened and Byakuya found himself being thrown into the air, landing on his back in the middle of a large underground chamber as Renji fell on his face and Kuukaku, of course, landed gracefully on her feet, smirking at the visitors. "Taking a lie-down are we, boys? And there was me thinking you ran a squad between you. I guess even Captains have the same lazy streak as everybody else," she said, winking at the fuming Byakuya. Byakuya leapt to his feet.

"How is anybody supposed to remain on their feet after freefalling for a couple of miles and then sliding several hundred yards down a tunnel only to be literally unceremoniously thrown into a room?" Byakuya asked calmly, only the flaring of his nostrils communicating his fury.

Kuukaku yawned. "Well, I managed. Also, you see this ceiling?" She pointed up at the ceiling, a plain white panel about forty yards over their heads. "Above that ceiling is five metres of dirt. That's all. You only think you fell so far because I had the idea to build a system of fans into the tunnels to disorientate any people tempted to break-and-enter by the lack of a door. Seeing as how you yourself broke-and-entered, I'm sure you understand." She smiled sweetly at Byakuya, whose eyes narrowed dangerously.

"When do we get to see the rocket?" Renji piped up, eagerly looking around. Byakuya subtly thumped him in the back of the head as Kuukaku turned around, looking towards the centre of the room.

"Easy there, Mr. Enthusiastic," Kuukaku said. "How would you like a display of our true firepower first?" She made her way to a panel of buttons and switches embedded in the wall.

"Oh, I'm sure that won't be necessary," Byakuya said quickly, himself rather eager to leave this crazy woman's home as soon as possible. "Honestly I'd be quite happy to pay you in full for a large rocket and five thousand individual fireworks and to carry them back to our barracks right now..."

"Nonsense," Kuukaku interrupted. "A couple of things. Firstly, you couldn't possibly carry all that back, I'd have to get my brother to deliver them for you. Secondly, that'll be a hell of a lot of money, so you'll want to be sure you really have bought the best, and thirdly, I'd really like to show you a display and as my guests it would be rude of you to decline." Byakuya couldn't believe this delinquent was lecturing _him_ on manners.

"Very well, then," Byakuya conceded, silently daring Renji to be excited. "Shall we head outside?"

Kuukaku stared at Byakuya as though he had just suggested a trip to Mars to look for a talking lion, before throwing back her head and laughing uproariously. "Outside? Why the hell would we need to go outside?"

Byakuya blinked. "Surely you don't intend to give a full pyrotechnics display _indoors_?"

"Yeah, why not?" Kuukaku asked, frantically pressing buttons on the panel before Byakuya could respond. All of a sudden, several dozen hidden panels on the floor slid backwards to reveal an arrangement of fireworks and Byakuya noticed a giant circle right in the centre of the room sliding backwards to reveal a giant cannon. A hole appeared in the ceiling as the cannon rose skywards and Byakuya realised that they must be right underneath the huge cylinder behind the tree on the surface.

"If we die," Byakuya said, "I'm going to kill you."

"Pah, whatever," Kuukaku retorted, slamming her fist down on a big red button in the centre of her panel. At this, all of the fireworks on the ground were catapulted into the air simultaneously, causing a _BOOM_ which shook the entire room to the core. Renji dived for cover as Byakuya stood completely still - despite the obvious danger, even he had to admit that there was something beautiful about such an explosion. Not that he'd be telling Renji this, of course.

"Isn't it wonderful?" Kuukaku sighed, making her way over to a small fire caused by one of the fireworks which failed to take off and staring at it intently. "The fire. That's what our family's all about," she said happily.

Byakuya's brow furrowed. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Kaien's Zanpakuto, Nejibana, a water-type Zanpakuto?"

"Yeah, he was kinda the family black sheep, if you know what I mean," Kuukaku said matter-of-factly, finally stomping out the fire just as it threatened to set the floor itself alight. "Kaien was the responsible-big-brother type. Dull," she added, looking up at Byakuya who was busy attempting to keep the alarm off his face. After all, Byakuya had known Kaien personally as an high-ranking Soul Reaper and was therefore concerned at the thought that he was the most sane of the Shibas.

Byakuya made the decision to run before Kuukaku decided to give a demonstration of one of her rockets.

"Well, that was... interesting," Byakuya said carefully. "If I pay for them now, could I have the five thousand fireworks and a rocket delivered tomorrow afternoon?"

Kuukaku laughed. "Of course not! I'm afraid I just used up my entire stock of fireworks." Byakuya's nostrils flared in exasperation. "However, my brother, Ganju, is out at the moment and will be returning soon. I can make him have them ready and delivered in a couple of days. I'll send the rocket with him, too, as it's rather large."

"Thank you," Byakuya said coolly, writing a cheque for a large amount of money. "Will this cover the order?"

Kuukaku took the cheque and whistled. "For that, I'll even throw in your trip back to the Seireitei."

Byakuya paled as he noticed Renji examining the cannon in the middle of the room. _Surely not..._

"Now, we have a slight problem here," Kuukaku pointed out. "You may have noticed the distinct lack of any ladders on your way down here, right?" Byakuya gave a slow nod, and Kuukaku continued. "You see, when I was designing this place I decided that with our lack of a door it was impossible to stop intruders from entering, so it would be a better idea to keep them from leaving. As such, anybody wishing to leave my home needs to be launched out."

_Oh, you have got to be kidding,_ Byakuya thought.

"Get in, boys," Kuukaku said in a bored tone, pressing a button on her panel which caused an hatch on the cannon to slide open. "Don't worry, I won't fire you all the way to Seireitei, just far enough for you to be able to escape my chimney." And with that, she detached the panel from the wall, shoved Byakuya and Renji into the cannon, slammed the hatch shut and stood well back.

"CLEAR!" she bellowed, punching a button on the panel and launching her visitors up into the air and out of sight. Kuukaku stared at the cheque Byakuya had written, before tucking it away inside her top. "Well, Byakuya Kuchiki, it was a pleasure doing business with you," she said to herself, replacing the button panel on the wall and strolling out of the room.

* * *

"And then," Renji said, in between mouthfuls of sake, "Captain Kuchiki announced that he was going to buy five thousand fireworks and a rocket from the crazy Shiba woman! I mean, can you believe it? Captain Kuchiki with fireworks?" Yumichika Ayasegawa and Ikkaku Madarame burst out laughing.

"What the hell is Captain Kuchiki even going to _do_ with five thousand fireworks?" Ikkaku asked.

Renji shrugged. "Beats me," he said. "They're probably just going to gather dust in the squad's cellar and be discovered in a couple of thousand years."

"Aww, that's no fun," a drunk Rangiku Matsumoto whinged. "He should at least give them to us, we'd... hic... throw an awesome party if we had fireworks." Rangiku then collapsed into giggles and leaned on an embarrassed Shuuhei Hisagi.

"Wooo, firework party," slurred Izuru Kira from the floor, where he had collapsed half an hour previously.

"So, yeah, we should be having them delivered straight to the barracks in a couple of days," Renji continued. Ikkaku's eyes gleamed.

"Y'know, Yumichika, I wouldn't mind getting my hands on a couple of those fireworks myself. You looked hilarious with that afro."

"Don't even joke," Yumichika wailed. "That was years ago, and my hair hasn't been the same since."

"Ah, get over it," Renji advised. "Your hair looks fine. Nobody cares."

"Yes, well, you would say that," Yumichika pointed out. "Seeing as you obviously care so little about your appearance to tolerate _that_ mess," he said, pointing to Renji's accidental haircut.

Rangiku giggled. "Shuuhei has funny hair," she pointed out, patting the latter's head and flattening his spiky black hair.

"Thanks, Rangiku," he muttered, gently shoving the drunk woman to the side, which resulted in her falling on top of Izuru.

"Oh, hey Izuru," Rangiku said happily. "Wassup?"

Izuru gave a sort-of half shrug. "Th' moon, I guess," he said, lifting an arm and pointing in a direction which the window was not in, accidentally smacking Shuuhei in the face as he lowered his hand.

Renji coughed, remembering why he was there in the first place. "So, anyway," he prompted. "Don't you think it's interesting that the Kuchikis have started doing business with the Shibas?"

"Oh, yeah, definitely," Rangiku said cheerfully, before falling asleep on top of Izuru. Shuuhei did not look amused.

"I don't care about business deals," Ikkaku pointed out. The rest of the group, or rather the ones who weren't asleep, collapsed or Renji, nodded in concurrence.

"Right, I guess that's it then," Renji said, recognising a lost cause when he saw one. "Who's paying?"


	3. Fly Me to the Moon

**Author's notes: Okay, I have a confession: I'm not actually completely up-to-date with the manga. I just looked up the spoilers I predicted because I'm too obsessed with being right to worry about being patient and not ruining stuff for myself (even though most of my guesses have proven to be correct and thus wouldn't really have been surprises. Okay, it's 5am and I'm not making much sense. I'll shut up now). It's a character flaw of mine. I AM working my way through the manga, it's just taking some time because I'm comparatively new to the fandom (I've only been up-to-date with the dubbed anime for a couple of months and I can't multitask well enough to follow a plot AND subtitles) and I'm also busy with work and my degree. :)**

**This chapter's a bit shorter than the last one, but I think the next one will probably be longer to make up for it. I have a lot of wacky stuff planned.**

* * *

Yachiru Kusajishi was a girl on a mission. After stopping by the Fourth Division's barracks to pester Captain Retsu Unohana for sweets, she spontaneously made the decision to visit her old friend Pineapple Head , who had moved to Squad 6.

Yachiru skipped along happily, her arms full of lollipops, only to drop the lot once she reached the Sixth Division barracks and found herself confronted by a large wooden box with a piece of paper stapled to it sitting outside the front door. Yachiru ripped off the paper, which read:

_Byakuya Kuchiki,_

_Here are the rocket and fireworks you ordered from Kuukaku the other day._

_I made the decision to leave them for you to find outside your barracks because I despise Soul Reapers and I didn't really want to talk to you. I'm sure you understand._

_Ganju Shiba._

Yachiru squinted at the page, turning it on its side and then upside-down, before giving up and resigning to ask Kenny to teach her how to read at some point.

* * *

Half an hour later the sun had set and Yachiru was standing outside the Squad 11 barracks with several boxes of spent matches littering the ground by her feet. It had been a simple task to carry the ten-foot crate back to the Eleventh Division and Yachiru had rewarded herself for a job well done by opening the box and setting off its contents.

The juvenile Soul Reaper giggled as she lit another round of fuses, triggering a massive explosion as three dozen fireworks shot off sideways into the barracks, just as the eight-foot rocket's fuse lit and the Soul Reaper Yachiru had stuffed inside pounded on the little window. Yachiru laughed cheerfully as the thumps the rocket was emitting became louder and louder, and as the rocket took off half of Squad 11, presumably summoned by the explosion from within the barracks itself, ran out to join her on the grass. Captain Kenpachi Zaraki headed the stampede, and was the first to reach the scene and notice the large area of burnt grass, closely followed by Yumichika Ayasegawa.

"Having fun, Yachiru?" Kenpachi growled.

His Lieutenant giggled. "Oh yes, Kenny! I've just put on a fantabulous firework display!"

Yumichika sighed. "Oh, but what could rival the beauty of a wonderful pyrotechnics display? I'm saddened to have missed it," he said, his entire being sparkling.

Kenpachi ignored Yumichika's words, opting instead to glare at the aggressively bishounen fifth-seat. "Hey," he said. "Where's Ikkaku?"

Yumichika suddenly stopped sparkling. "You know, that's a really good question. Almost beautiful in its elegance, in fact," he said, frowning.

"Who's Ikkaku?" Yachiru piped up, her face contorting into an expression of immense curiosity.

"Our third-seat, Lieutenant Kusajishi," Yumichika explained patiently. Yachiru stroked her imaginary beard.

"OH!" she exclaimed suddenly. "You mean Baldy! You should have said so earlier, Weirdo," she chided, as the entire squad emitted a collective groan. "Well, you see, Baldy's a bit busy at the moment," she said happily.

"Busy doing what, exactly?" Kenpachi demanded. "Where is Ikkaku Madarame?"

Yachiru grinned, looking up and pointing towards the sky, where a already distant rocket glinted faintly in the light of the stars. "I sent Baldy to the Moon."

Yumichika fainted.

"Okay, Yachiru," Kenpachi said calmly. "I'm gonna need an explanation. Why exactly did you see fit to send _Baldy_ to the Moon?"

Yachiru clapped her hands together. "Well, you see, the Moon sort of reminded me of Baldy's head," she elucidated with the air, and logic, of explaining that one plus one equals three.

"Oh," Captain Zaraki responded. "Okay, then. Can you tell me in which direction you fired him?"

Yachiru pointed in the opposite direction to the Moon. "That way," she said, as Yumichika regained consciousness.

"Erm, Lieutenant?" Yumichika said faintly. "The Moon isn't that way."

Yachiru extended her index finger and traced out the familiar shape of the constellation Ikkaku was currently hurtling towards, a wonky saucepan in the sky. "Well, then, I don't know where Baldy thinks _he's_ going. Isn't that constellation like Orion or something? I'm pretty certain the Moon was that way five minutes ago..." she said, her voice trailing off as she became deeper in thought.

"Now, now, Yachiru, what have I told you?" Kenpachi said. "That isn't Orion: Orion is the _hunter_. The constellation you pointed at is something stupid, like the scales or something else pointless which nobody cares about. Either way," he continued, "we have a problem here."

"You bet we do!" Yumichika chimed in.

"And that problem is that we appear to be missing a third-seat," Kenpachi said in a bored tone of voice. Yumichika perked up.

"Hey! Maki-Maki!" Yachiru yelled towards the gathered crowd, before Kenpachi could say anything else.

The summoned tenth-seat made his way to the front of the gathering. "Yes, Lieutenant Kusajishi?"

Yachiru regarded him regally. "You're the new third-seat. Have fun!" she giggled, as Kenpachi frowned and Yumichika adopted an indignant expression.

"Yachiru, whose job is it to appoint seated officers?" Kenpachi asked wearily.

Yachiru pouted. "Yours, Kenny. I'm sorry," she said, her face crumpling.

"Hey, there, don't cry," Kenpachi said, the kind words sounding particularly strange in his gravelly tones. "Maki-Maki can be our new third-seat."

"I can?" Makizo Aramaki asked, astonishment at his unexpected promotion from tenth-seat to third evident in his voice.

"He can?" parroted Yumichika in dismay.

"Yeah, whatever makes Yachiru happy," Kenpachi said, yawning as Yachiru's expression returned to one of pure glee. "Can I go back to bed now?"

"Certainly, Captain, I won't let you down!" exclaimed the new third-seat, whipping out his Zanpakuto and promptly tripping over it enthusiastically as Kenpachi returned to the barracks, closely followed by Yachiru and the rest of the division.

"I hate you," Yumichika muttered to Aramaki as the latter began picking up Yachiru's spent matchsticks from the grass.

* * *

"You know, Renji," Byakuya said, breaking the silence in his office while the Lieutenant caught up with his paperwork. "It's been about a week now and I still haven't heard from those firework-crazy hooligans."

Renji shrugged. "Perhaps the fireworks aren't ready yet. You never know how long it could take to create a batch."

Byakuya pouted and grabbed a sheet of paper and a pen from the draw under his desk. "Perhaps it's time to embark on Stage 2 of my plan," he said, doing a quick doodle on his paper. After half a minute or so, Byakuya held up the sheet to show Renji.

"_Byakuya Kuchiki's Finishing School for the Unpolished Soul_? You're kidding, right? And what's with the bunnies?" Renji demanded, pointing out the details of Byakuya's sketch of half a dozen rabbits sitting at a table.

"Careful, Renji, or I might get the impression that you don't respect your superiors," Byakuya said coldly. "Just come with me."

* * *

Renji recognised the path Byakuya was dragging him down, after all, it was precisely the same path the pair had trodden only a few days ago to reach the Shibas' 'house'.

"The point of this is twofold," Byakuya explained. "Firstly, it gives us an excuse to visit the Shiba household under cover in an attempt to check up on the progress of my fireworks. Secondly, I can leave this flyer somewhere where the pair will find it."

"Let me get this straight," Renji mused. "You're going to attempt to get the Shiba siblings to attend a _finishing school_ run by you?"

"Yes," Byakuya retorted icily. "Do you have a problem with that?"

Renji shook his head. "Oh, no, Captain," he said sardonically. "I can't think of a single way this could possibly go wrong," he said as the familiar giant sakura tree approached.

"That's good, because I can't allow failures here," Byakuya said, failing to recognise Renji's sarcasm.

"You know, Captain?" Renji added, as the pair of them drew near enough for Byakuya to attach the flyer to Kuukaku's tree. "There's a rule for this sort of stuff. _Murphy's Law_. It essentially says that only the best ideas succeed," he said, declining to mention what happens to the ideas which weren't flawless.

"It's just as well I only do the best, then, isn't it?" Byakuya said, frowning at Renji, who couldn't quite work out how on Earth his Captain thought he was going to get away with this.

* * *

"Okay, today's meeting of the Shinigami Women's Association is in session," Nanao Ise announced, glancing at Yachiru who was too busy playing a game to be paying attention. Nanao didn't mind, after all, she knew perfectly well that the only way the Association would get anything done would be if she took charge. "Does anybody have anything in particular they want to discuss before we get onto our main topics for discussion?"

Nemu Kurotsuchi raised a hand politely, waiting for Nanao to give her permission to speak. Once Nanao nodded at Nemu, the latter reached into a pocket and withdrew a sheet of paper.

"I have made a discovery," Nemu said quietly, brandishing the paper. "This afternoon I was walking outside Seireitei, looking for... something, and I happened across this stuck to a tree." She handed around the paper and each member gasped as they read it, with the exception of Rukia Kuchiki.

Once Nanao receive the paper, she understood why: Byakuya Kuchiki was inviting commoners to his mansion to train them in the art of nobility! It was no wonder the paper had caused such a stir among the members of the Association.

"It is decided," Nanao said. "We shall all attend Captain Kuchiki's Finishing School together. Any objections?"

Rukia raised an eyebrow. "Lieutenant Ise, in case you hadn't noticed, we're in Byakuya's mansion right now," she pointed out. "I'll give it a miss, I don't want to stir up trouble for my brother."

Nanao raised her own eyebrow. "Any other objections?" The room was silent. "No? Motion carried. Okay, Lieutenant Kusajishi?" she asked Yachiru, who had moved on to pasting stickers in a book.

"Hmm?" Yachiru enquired. "Yeah, whatever, Bookworm. I like Byakie's house."

"Good," Nanao said. "Lieutenant Kuchiki, you can do what you like but the rest of us are going to school!" she declared to much applause from Nemu, Retsu Unohana, Soi-Fon, the Kotetsu sisters, Rangiku Matsumoto and Momo Hinamori.

"Whatever you wish," Rukia sighed reluctantly. "Just don't be surprised when it turns out to be boring."


	4. Byakuya Kuchiki's Finishing School

**Author's notes: Sorry for the long delay in updating, the day after the last update I went to see my grandmother in Cardiff (where my only access to the internet is by using my phone as a proxy, and surprise surprise my mobile network has blocked fanfiction dot net so I couldn't update while I was there. (And then I got distracted by other stuff for a month as I prepare for Camp NaNoWriMo.)**

**Aaaanyway, Camp NaNo could mean no updates potentially for another month, unless I get bored of the Digimon fic I have planned for it and decide to become a NaNo Rebel instead and write a mix of stuff, including this. It all depends on the Attention Deficit Creator disorder, which I apologise profusely for. On the plus side, during this chapter this fic started to write itself so updates should be more regular in the future. Yay! :D**

* * *

"So, Captain," Renji piped up after assisting Byakuya to set up one place at a table in one of the Kuchiki Manor's dining rooms. "What are you going to do if thousands of people turn up to this thing?"

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. "They won't," he said, calmly. "I put the flyer in such a place that the only people who would see it are the Shibas and the cat lady. The cat lady is a noble herself, however well she hides it occasionally, so has no need of a finishing school."

Renji raised an eyebrow. "Okay, I can see two slight problems with this."

"Go on..." Byakuya said icily.

"Well, if you acknowledge that Yoruichi Shihoin is a noble who hides her nobility, by which you are presumably referring to certain quirks of hers such as addressing people informally and her tendency to, ah, not, erm, wear any clothes," Renji blushed, before quickly continuing, "by extension, aren't you saying that because she _is_ a noble, she doesn't need finishing school?"

Byakuya's frown deepened. "Your point, Lieutenant?"

"Well," Renji pointed out, "by that logic, the Shibas don't need finishing school either because they were once nobility too."

Byakuya gritted his teeth. "I'm not seeing your point, Lieutenant Abarai..." he said stubbornly.

"Also," Renji continued, "you say nobody else is going to have seen the flyer. What if the Shibas occasionally have visitors?"

"Who has visitors?" Byakuya snapped. "They're a waste of time. That's why I don't have any."

"No," Renji said under his breath. "_That_ is why you never have any visitors..."

However, before Renji's snark could approach audible levels, Byakuya was distracted by what sounded like a stampede making its way through the manor. Sure enough, the door promptly burst open and Byakuya found nine women in his dining room, none of which were Kuukaku. Nor Ganju, funnily enough.

"Well, good afternoon, ladies," Renji said, smirking at the fuming Byakuya as he rushed to draw out an extra seven chairs from the large table. "Please have a seat," Renji said, escorting them one-by-one to their places.

"Excuse me, Lieutenant," Byakuya muttered under his breath as Renji sat a smiling Momo down by his own seat. "Whose finishing school _is_ this, again?"

"Well, act more 'finished' then," Renji retorted, seating Yachiru on a booster seat by Captain Unohana. "The audience is all yours, Captain Kuchiki," he said, as the Shinigami Women's Association looked up eagerly at Byakuya, who took his seat at the head of the table where the one place was set.

Byakuya cleared his throat. "Welcome to the Kuchiki Manor, ladies," he said, forcing a civil voice. "I assume you're all here for my finishing school?"

A murmur of agreement ran around the table as the women all stared up at Byakuya expectantly. "Yes, Captain Kuchiki," Nanao said in a businesslike tone.

"Yes, Captain Kuchiki," Nemu repeated breathlessly.

"Aye aye, Byakie!" Yachiru chirruped.

"You do realise you're here to learn, Lieutenant Kusajishi?" Retsu prompted gently, her smile never leaving her face. "I only mention it because the last time I tried to teach you anything, you screamed so loudly in protest I spent several days repairing my subordinates' perforated eardrums."

Byakuya's previous words suddenly seemed to catch up with Yachiru, whose expression turned to one of pure terror. "Wait, so you mean this is like school?" she asked anxiously, her eyes widening in fright as everybody at the table nodded slowly.

"You _did_ read the flyer, Lieutenant Kusajishi?" Byakuya frowned, pinching the bridge of his nose.

Yachiru laughed gleefully. "No, Byakie! I can't read," she said thoughtfully. "Come to think of it, I've been meaning to ask somebody what this says..." she withdrew an exceedingly crumpled sheet of paper from her robes and handed it to Byakuya, who drew a sharp intake of breath before passing the note to Renji, who burst out laughing. Suddenly last week's mysterious explosions in the famously kido-scorning Squad Eleven barracks made a lot of sense. Byakuya's eyes widened in anger at the realisation.

"I don't even want to know," Renji said mirthfully.

"Anyway, guess I'm off. See ya, Byakie! Pineapple Head! Bookworm! Robot! Slasher! Psycho! Taipei 101! Creepy! Boobs! Terrible-Taste-In-Men!"

And with that, Yachiru skipped off as Byakuya flared his nostrils, Renji rolled his eyes, Nanao pointedly slammed her book down in front of her, Nemu stared intently at the table, Retsu smiled serenely, Soi-Fon's eye twitched, Isane hunched her shoulders and shrunk into her seat, Kiyone stared cross-eyed into space, Rangiku sighed heavily and Momo burst into tears.

"It's okay, Momo," Renji said calmly, resting a hand on the sobbing Lieutenant's shoulder.

"Would you like me to frighten the tears away?" Nemu suggested helpfully in her standard monotone, looking up from the table and clicking her elbow ominously.

"I'm sure that won't be necessary," Byakuya said, his voice colder than his sister's zanpakuto. "Shall we commence the lesson?"

Unfortunately, Momo picked that moment to blow her nose on the tablecloth. Byakuya glowered at the crying girl, sending her into fresh waves of tears.

"Did you really have to give the poor girl that look, Byakuya?" Retsu admonished gently.

"Yeah, poor Momo's crying, you have to be nice to her," Renji added.

"It's only polite, after all, Captain Kuchiki," Rangiku finished matter-of-factly, frowning at Byakuya.

"It was not my intention to be unkind," Byakuya said evenly. "I was merely despairing at my students' lack of decorum. It is simply not done to blow one's nose on a host's tablecloth!"

"Ah, who cares?" Soi-Fon snapped. "It's just a stupid tablecloth. Don't you dare tell me you couldn't afford to get it cleaned, Byakuya, this house is more luxurious than the Squad 2 barracks after my idiot of a Lieutenant paid for its refurbishment."

Byakuya raised an eyebrow. "Teaching this class is going to be harder than it would be to train a twentieth-seat in the art of Bankai," he lamented under his breath.

"Or taking on the doomed task of attempting to teach manners to a group of people who have demonstrated themselves to be more proficient in the art of human interaction than you are," Renji added.

Byakuya gave a nod. "Good example, Renji. I'm glad you understand the scope of this," he said. Renji blinked.

Ten minutes later, after Momo's wails had subsided, Byakuya finally began the lesson.

"All right," Byakuya said, wearily resting his head in a hand. "Today we're going to be focusing on table manners."

"An excellent idea, Captain Kuchiki," Retsu said calmly, as Momo sniffled quietly.

"Just get on with it," Soi-Fon growled.

Byakuya's eyes widened marginally and he clasped his hands together under his chin. "I daresay you ladies all have experience of dining with company, so today I will teach you about hosting."

"I look forward to it, Captain," Nemu said quietly, only to be glared at by Soi-Fon.

"Captain Kuchiki," Nanao suddenly said. "Isn't it considered impolite to set one's elbows on the table?" she piped up, pointedly looking at Byakuya's arms, both of which were resting either side of his placemat.

"Yes," Byakuya said coolly, pointedly removing his elbows from the table. "I was simply providing a demonstration of what not to do."

"Oh," Retsu said calmly. "Is that why the wine and water glasses are in the wrong places?"

Byakuya's eye twitched. "Indeed, Captain Unohana," he said through his teeth, fully aware that Renji was seconds away from bursting into laughter. "Well done for spotting my gambit." Byakuya switched the glasses just as pointedly as he had removed his elbows from the table.

"Captain Kuchiki, you're missing a soup spoon..." Momo added quietly.

"Yes, yes, all right, I get the picture," Byakuya said coldly, folding his arms. "Well, seeing as you all seem to know the basics of table etiquette, let's start by..."

However, before Byakuya could get any further, he was interrupted by Nanao.

"Captain Kuchiki, why will you be serving toast as part of this finishing school? Toast isn't particularly refined..."

Byakuya frowned, rising to his feet. "I wouldn't go within twenty feet of a slice of toast. Disgusting excuse for food."

"Oh, that's strange," Kiyone said serenely. "I know what you mean, Nanao, I can smell it too."

Isane nodded vigorously. "Me also."

"Funny," Momo said quietly. "It almost smells like my Tobiume..."

At that moment the meeting was broken up by a small, pink-haired figure running into the room and attaching itself firmly to Byakuya's right leg.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Byakie, but your house is on fire," Yachiru said, a wide grin plastered across her face as she looked up at the fuming Soul Reaper.

Byakuya peeled the Lieutenant from his Captain's haori and shut his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose. _I knew I ought to have had Renji escort her from the manor_, he thought.

* * *

"Lieutenant Kusajishi, would you mind telling me _precisely_ what happened here?" Byakuya said frostily once everybody had evacuated the manor and Toshiro Hitsugaya had been dispatched to combat the flames engulfing the building.

Yachiru bit her lip thoughtfully. "Well, you see, Byakie, I was looking for the exit when I happened to stumble across a kitchen."

"I can imagine that would be an easy thing to do, this is a particularly large house," Retsu said, smiling serenely at Byakuya.

"The kitchen is even further away from the front door than the dining room we were situated in," Byakuya pointed out.

"Aaaanyway," Yachiru continued, oblivious to Byakuya's logic. "I thought that seeing as I was abandoning your manners-school, Byakie, the least I could do would be to bake you a cake to be polite."

"And it's polite to break into other people's houses and just use their equipment without even asking?" Renji muttered, smirking.

"Well, I thought it would be a good idea to acquaint myself with Byakie's kitchen now, because after all I am going to marry him one day!" Yachiru declared to the entire Shinigami Women's association, most of whom scowled at her. Byakuya himself frowned, sighing deeply as Hisana's image floated to the front of his mind.

"I'm already married," he said dully, folding his arms as the Association collectively gasped.

Yachiru ground a daisy under her foot and her face clouded over for a fraction of a second before transforming into a forced smile. "I didn't know that, Byakie!"

"Not many people do," Byakuya said irritably, noting that Renji and Captain Unohana were the only unaffected spectators.

"Wow," Rangiku exclaimed. "If you don't mind me asking, Captain Kuchiki, how long have you been married for?"

Byakuya turned his back to the congregation, choosing instead to watch the flames engulfing the South wing of the Kuchiki manor going out slowly. "About fifty years."

"What happened to her, Captain Kuchiki?" Nanao asked.

"She's not here," Byakuya said evenly.

Had Byakuya been watching the Shinigami Women's Association closely, at this point he may have noticed Yachiru's smile disappear as though somebody had rubbed it out, Nemu's involuntary twitch and Kiyone's almost inaudible creepy laugh. However, he was too busy watching as the small form of the Tenth Division's Captain emerged from manor, sheathing his Zanpakuto, and approaching him.

"The flames are out, Byakuya," Toshiro said calmly. "Now, Rangiku, you can accompany me back to the Tenth barracks and you can tell me exactly what you did to cause this, and the amount of alcohol involved, so that I may punish you appropriately."

Rangiku widened her eyes and raised both of her hands, palms facing out, in defence. "But Captain, I didn't do it this time!" she protested, looking around at Byakuya for support.

"She's telling the truth, Shiro," Momo added helpfully. "Lieutenant Kusajishi did it!"

Toshiro folded his arms and raised an eyebrow. "In that case, where _is_ Yachiru? I certainly don't see her."

Byakuya looked around, searching for a flash of pink. However, the Lieutenant was nowhere to be found.

"Renji," Byakuya said in resigned tones.

"You got it, Captain," Renji acknowledged, searching for Yachiru's distinctive spiritual pressure before sprinting off away from the Kuchiki Manor.

Byakuya glowered at the remaining Soul Reapers, all of whom were now looking at him expectantly.

"I don't know what the lot of you want, but I have nothing more to teach you this evening," Byakuya said coldly. "Return to your barracks and let this be a lesson to you: _it is impolite to use other people's utensils without their permission_. Got it?" he barked, shooing the Women's Association away as hastily as he could.

"Captain Kuchiki, it's not polite to forcibly throw people off your property!" Nanao responded zealously as she retreated with the remainder of the group.

"Congratulations, you have passed my school," Byakuya retorted. "What, would you like a certificate for your efforts?"

Kiyone giggled. "Oooh, that would be nice, Sentaro doesn't have one of those and I could show it to Captain Ukit..."

"Hey, sis, be quiet," Byakuya heard Isane whisper urgently as the group rounded a corner. Byakuya shook his head, retreating to his partially destroyed manor to wait for Renji to return, and see how much of the kitchen was potentially salvageable.

* * *

"Isane, what do you think Captain Kuchiki meant about being married?" Kiyone asked anxiously as her sister accompanied her back to the Squad 13 barracks.

"Silly Kiyone," Isane said happily. "He meant that he's married, obviously."

Kiyone frowned. "I got that, I just... did you know that he was married?"

"I had heard stories," Isane said quietly as the pair approached the barracks. "Captain Unohana has told me that Captain Kuchiki's wife spent a lot of time with Squad 4 a few decades ago with health problems. This was really before my time, however, and I have never met her, so I would assume that whoever she is, she's perfectly healthy right now!" Isane declared cheerfully, as Kiyone's frown deepened and they reached the front door. "Good night, Kiyone."

"Night, sis," Kiyone said sullenly, before walking into the barracks and heading immediately for her room.

* * *

"Master Mayuri, it has come to my attention that Captain Kuchiki has a wife you do not know about," Nemu said evenly as she fought to keep her toe from twitching inside her shoe.

"Oh?" Mayuri said, glancing up from his desk in interest before seemingly remembering something and returning to his work. "Oh, it's nothing important, Nemu. Now shut up and go away, unless you would like to be a participant in my Soul Reaper-rat brain transplant experiments."

Nemu's emotionless mask slipped for a split second, before she regained composure. "But Master Mayuri, this revelation could mean that Captain Kuchiki and his wife are eligible for the department's married couple experiments! You can't just dismiss this out of hand."

Mayuri rose from his chair and walked over to his daughter, slapping her hard around the face and sending her flying to the floor. "If I say something is not important, Nemu, you had damn well better believe it," Mayuri angrily spat at the cowering girl.

"Yes, Master Mayuri," Nemu said passively, jumping to her feet and scurrying towards the door.

* * *

"Keeeeenny," Yachiru sang. "Is Byakie married?"

Kenpachi looked at his Lieutenant as though she had lost her mind. "I don't care, Yachiru."

"Oh," Yachiru said. "Well, he says he is."

"Good for him, I suppose every long-haired pretty girl needs a husband," Kenpachi said in a bored voice. "I wonder who the lucky man is?"

Yachiru looked puzzled. "Well, I wanted to marry him some day!"

"You can't," Kenpachi sighed in exasperation.

"What, because he's married?"

"No, Yachiru. Because _you're_ a girl, too."

"Oh," Yachiru said, thoughtfully. "I guess that means I'll just have to be a guy when I grow up!"

"That's a good aspiration," Kenpachi said approvingly. "And if there's anything I can do to help you with that... go and ask Yumichika or something instead, as he probably knows more about that stuff than I do. Or, y'know, don't, I do wonder about him sometimes."

"Thank you, Kenny!" Yachiro said in a sing-song voice. "I suppose I'll still have to make sure he's available, though, I don't want to have to share Byakie."

"You do that, kiddo," Kenpachi said vaguely.

"I wonder who Byakie could be married to?" Yachiru said, more to herself than Kenpachi. "Byakie said she wasn't 'here', so he obviously meant that she isn't a member of the Shinigami Women's Association!"

"Yeah, that must be it," Kenpachi said, bored.

"SO, she's either a really low-ranking Soul Reaper, OR from the World of the Living, OR an exile," Yachiru thought, logically. "She can't be low-ranking because Byakie would only marry somebody tough, like me or Maki-Maki!"

"Please don't drag our third-seat into this," Kenpachi said.

"She also can't be from the World of the Living because Jiggles is the only girl there and she obviously likes Ichi, Byakie hates Ichi, Pencil is a Quincy and Clownface from Squad 12 once told me that Quincies aren't people, and Muscles is too much of a softie for Byakie's discerning tastes," Yachiru continued. "Therefore, she must be an exile! But that means..." Yachiru's mouth set in determination. "Kitty-Cat-Woman must be removed from the equation!"


End file.
